Please Don't Eat The Customers.

Worried about the robot revolution?  You might want to keep an eye on this place.  A new theme park in Dubai is set to begin construction, featuring life-size robotic dinosaurs.  I know what you're thinking: real dinosaurs can't be contained by electric fences and tranquilizer guns, how the hell do they expect to control goddamn robotic dinosaurs?

Well, I assume they'll come with some kind of three laws programming that will go horribly wrong, turning the giant metal lizards into killing machines.  And you can bet your sweet butt that, when the first of these escapes its enclosure and goes on a mauling spree, its gonna take a lot more than three cops with handguns to bring it down.  Especially with the Kevlar scales and razor sharp pneumatic fangs.  Yeah.  So what is our glimmering hope?  Two words: EMP.  Of course I imagine when you take down a real thunder lizard you get 24-28 months worth of kickass barbecue instead of dino-shaped scrap metal.

• Dinosaur theme park coming to Dubai - Engadget

Want To Hunt Endangered Tigers?

Just sign up with the San Francisco police department.  They had a Christmas day tiger hunt in the zoo juts before closing time.  "Tatiana" has mysteriously escaped from her enclosure and mauled three people, killing one, before police officers brought her down.  No word yet on if the officers will be allowed to stuff and mount the cat for their living room.  I'm gonna be extra nice to the giant predators next time I swing by the zoo.  Holy feline batman, what do you do if a 300 lb tiger thinks you're a chew toy?  This is the strongest argument for the 2nd amendment I've heard all year.

• Tiger Kills Man at San Francisco Zoo - washingtonpost.com

I Swear I'm Not Fascist.

A Lakota group is renouncing treaties with the US Government and pushing to become an independent nation.  Seems like this might not pan out too well.  First off your major proponent is named "Russell Means" which doesn't sound like a very good Indian name.  You want me to believe you're serious about being an independent Indian nation, you'd better change your name.  Some thing like "Russell Means Business" or "Not Joking Bear".  It costs $34.95 to register a name change with the South Dakota state government.

Secondly, they're inviting Lakota and people that live in the various parts of North and South Dakota, Nebraska, Wyoming and Montana to renounce their US citizenship and live tax free under their jurisdiction.  Somehow forfeiting my citizenship to live in an unofficial landlocked nation with no treaties doesn't sound too appealing.  But hey, maybe there's other factors at play here.  I didn't sit down with Mr. Russell Means Business to conduct a fake interview.

Alright, you're starting a new country, what are its selling points? 
Well, no taxes.  And we'll foster the Native American culture and way of life. 
I'm not sure I know what that means.  How is the quality of life over there?
Teen suicides are 150 percent above the norm for the United States; infant mortality is five times higher than the US average; and unemployment is rife.
...really?  That sounds pretty bad.
No, it'll be cool.  We're gonna issue driver's licenses and passports.  And the public officials will be informally elected by the tribal elders.
You've really thought this through.  Oligarchy, that's a ballsy play; especially with a cowboy president ramming democracy down peoples' throats half a world away.
I spose.
But driver's licenses?  Cars?  And paved roads?  How are you gonna pay for any of this with no taxes?
Well, there'll be gambling.
What the hell's your problem?
You took our land. 
Yep.  I spose so.  Then we instituted a global climate where it isn't cool to gank peoples' land.  You shoulda though of that way earlier.
You're stealing our culture.
Uh... stealing implies that we want it and took it.  Just because something is disappearing doesn't mean someone else is taking it.  Like evaporation... or selfrespect.
Our land is our culture.
Oh.  That's weird.  You shouldn't have let us have it.
I didn't let you have it.
And I didn't take it; I'm glad we're on the same page here.
This land is my ancestral right.
And I think that's super.  But unfortunately history is a fickle bitch and you guys came out on the ass end.
That's not really fair.
You're catching on.  The good news is that you can walk off the reservation any time you want and join our melting pot society where everyone's heritage is simultaneously exploited and ignored for corporate gain.

• AFP: Descendants of Sitting Bull, Crazy Horse break away from US

Brazilian Art Heist.

Police to fly in Rene Russo to question/seduce local billionaires.

It always amazes me that bank jobs and art heists still happen.  With all the technology and security on hand you'd think people would think of new targets.  Its almost as if, since it happens in movies, I don't think people really steal stuff like that.  I dunno, give me another beer.

• BBC NEWS | Americas | Picasso stolen from Brazil museum

I Can't Believe I Signed The WHOLE Thing.

Really?  35mpg by 2020?  Why not go really crazy and mandate all remaining non-hover cars equipped with radial tires by 2074?  What do you think gas is gonna cost by 2020?  The legislation of such a lackluster pace is a smack in the face.  If demand hasn't driven the auto industry to higher levels of efficiency by 2020 we all deserve a smack in the face.  (Face if we're lucky.)  This is like the middle school gym coach making everyone run a mile in under 13 hours, that harsh slave-driving bastard.

Lets be clear here, 35 is the minimum, ok?  Now its up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare minimum.  Like Brian, for example, has 37 pieces of flair.  And a terrific smile.  We want you to express yourself, ok? If you think the bare
minimum is enough, then ok. But some people choose to wear more and we
encourage that, ok?

• Now it's pen-on-paper official: President Bush signs 35 mpg CAFE into law - AutoblogGreen

What Comes After Pre-Ripped Jeans But Before Pre-Vomited Beer?

Bold strides are made in pre-fabricated lives this week as consumers can now buy pairs of socks pre-mismatched.  Pairs that do not match; is that an oxymoron?  Maybe just for morons.  Thanks, but I can mismatch my own damn socks.  It actually takes very little effort if you can believe it.  Why can't people take the time to break in their own jeans or fail to pair their socks?  Is life in the 21st century really so hectic?  Next thing you know couches will have pre-lived stress marks from a factory technician (aka ass groove) and your beer will have been drank and puked up by a professional drunk.  It takes a brilliant mind to realize that, with the right lighting, you can sell used shit for more.

• Mismatched Socks - Featured on BuzzFeed

Ever Hear Of Priorities?

Baseball doping?  Pool drain covers?  Next week Congress is expected to pass a quarter it swallowed when it was 3.

Are these really matters that need to be handled by a federal legislative body?  Don't you guys have more pressing matters to rally around?  I could see creating some kind of consumer protection agency, that's the kinda stuff I expect at a national level, but telling companies not to make a specific product that kills little girls seems like micromanagement to me.  I'm not sure who you think you're fooling with this "Won't somebody please think of the children" (wsptc) legislation.

And if you wanna make HGH illegal you should be talking to scientists and medical professionals, not trying to find out which of your heroes that play a child's game might have been hopped up on horse pills.  Nutt-up and write some professional caliber bills or just start taking 10 month vacations cause I'm tired of hearing about every High School Square Dance where you ban obscene grinding.  (No, I have no idea what that means)

• News from The Associated Press: Congress Passes Pool Safety Bill

Where There's Smoke, There's Humor.

"Mr President, this is why I was against you using your George Foreman grill in bed."

Oh, wait.  The smoke was coming from the Executive Office Building next to the White House proper.  Revise that caption:

"The Vice President tries out a new enhanced interrogation technique he lovingly refers to as 'fire-boarding'".

• News from The Associated Press: Fire Controlled at White House

Keep Your Trap Shut.

Ever had a cop ask you if you know why he's pulled you over?  Its a trick man.  He just wants you to blurt out "cause I've got a body in my trunk?".  Fishing for dirt.  I mean, sure he's got you on something, or else he wouldn't be able to stop you, right?  Apparently not in California where cops are pulling people over to give them Starbucks gift cards.  ...wait for it...  WTF?  I dunno about you, but I'd be pretty pissed off if a cop rolled up behind me, flashed his lights and sauntered up to give me mochachino bucks.  But maybe that's just my irrational fear of authority.

Isn't this illegally detaining someone?  I mean I'm not allowed to keep going, so I'm being delayed against my will with no probable cause.  If some random guy wants to give me a present he can honk his horn and flash his brights all he wants, but I'm not legally bound to yield to him.  Sounds like an abuse of power for purposes of holiday cheer.

Wouldn't any evidence found in traffic stop like that be inadmissible anyway?  So you're basically turning law enforcement officers into compulsory ice cream men.  Great job.

• Offbeat News: Police Pulling Over Good Drivers For Christmas, Spreading Cheer and Fear

Save The World And Improve Your Self Image.

Finally some good news.  (yeah that solar panel is good news, but we all knew that was coming)  Turns out Pursuit Dynamics has been working on a more energy efficient way to brew beer.  Hell yeah.  They shoot steam at supersonic speeds, drastically reducing the energy required to boil wort.  Normally I worry about the cost of my beer conveyances (bags, boxes, bottles, cans) but hardly ever consider the environmental costs of preparing the frosty beverages at the getgo.

Hopefully this technique will prove vastly superior, or at least get other brewers thinking about alternative methods too.  This is the kinda thing I really get stoked about, saving 40% of heating costs, because the way to really tackle conservation is to refine efficient production and make the most of the energy we have.  Make better use of renewable resources and consume less; not figure out ways to keep expending the same energy from different sources.

• New Beer Brewing Technique Helps Environment |Sky News|Technology

Oh, P.S.
That solar panel is the cheapest production solar panel to date from NanoSolar.  It contains no silicon and hits the 99 cent/watt point that analysts theorize is the breaking point with coal power.  That is solar is now priced competitively with coal without the emissions; and the technology will only improve in efficiency over the coming months.

P.P.S.
Check out this town in Italy that is powered 100% by renewable resources.  They combine wind, solar and hydro-power to meet all the energy demands and rake in about half a million dollars in government supplements to boot.  Also their food is almost entirely supplied by local organic farmers.  Basically they're kicking everyone's ass.

You'd Better Be Conjoined Twins...

Just when I think I've got my nausea under control I get the one-two punch from the internets.  This just makes the holiday bitterness swim in my veins.  For all those couples out there that want to hold hands in the cold: Glovers.  A sock-ball type of two person handwarmer that lets that couple make everyone around them uncomfortable.  Don't be that couple.  I'm begging you.  In fact, just reading about people using this is making the back of my hand ache for the sting of someone's rosy cheek.  You don't wanna find out what will happen if I catch you using this.

• Glovers - Featured on BuzzFeed

I Just Threw Up In My Mouth A Little.

Its all I can do to keep from screaming at the dumb motherfuckers breathing "flavored" oxygen at those mall kiosks.  But now they can fit the same obscenely wasteful trend into their on-the-go lifestyle.  Cause, really, who has time to sit in a chair and breathe?  Big Ox flavored canned air.  Canned, goddamn, air.  If we suddenly find ourselves in the position of the villain in any Mel Brooks movie, we need to take a step back and seriously think about our lives.  I just...  I...  I think I'm gonna have an aneurysm.  I need to to talk with Lewis Black about stress reduction methods.  This makes the aerosol pancake folks look like suave environmental champions.

Big Ox cans are made of recyclable materials.  We encourage you to recycle Big Ox cans.

Oh yeah?  Well I encourage you not to package the gas we're LITERALLY swimming in every moment of our existence and go jump off a cliff.  I mean, this is worse than nothing, because people will only buy nothing once.  Whereas there might be people stupid enough to buy your empty cans and then come back for more when the flavored nothing is gone.

• Just What We Needed Dept: Canned Air : TreeHugger

Plain And Simple.

Idiot.

• Popular Science Blog - A Whopper of a Cell Phone Bill

Oldschool Nuggets.

I'd forgotten about this awesome deleted scene from the Meaning of Life until I was perusing the script today.  They've just finished up the scene with the protestants talking about how the break from Catholicism was mostly about recreational sex.

                             The Adventures of
                             Martin LUTHER
                               in

                         Reform-O-Scope

                          presented by 
               The Protestant Film Marketing Board
                       in association with
                 Sol. C. Ziegler, Andy Rotbeiner
                    and the people of Beirut

                             GERMANY 
                 in the grip of the 16th century

An exciting and controversial examination of the Protestant
reformer whose re-assessment of the role of the individual in
Christian belief shook the foundations of a post-feudal Germany in 
the grip of the sixteenth century.

It was a day much like any other in the quiet little town of
Wittenberg. Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal when
the full force of the Reformation struck. 

          [A woman and two rather plain daughters are sitting
          outside their house with bowls. A man arrives
          breathless.]

Hymie: Mamie! Martin Luther's out!

          [Consternation amongst the womenfolk.] 

Mamie: Oh! Martin Luther!

          [She hurries her daughters inside.]

     Did you get the suet, Hymie?

Hymie: Oy vay - the suet I clean forgot!

Mamie: The suet you forgot!

Hymie: The lard, the fish oil, the butter fat, the dripping, the 
     wool grease I remember... [Hands over the shopping]... but the
     suet... oy vay...

Mamie: [pointing to his head] So what'd keep up there? Adipose
     tissue?

Hymie: Look out! Here he comes. 

          [Mamie goes inside shouting.]

Mamie: Girls, girls! Your father forgot the suet!

          [Groans from the girls inside.]

          [Martin Luther is at the gate. His ears prick up at the 
          female voices. His eyes flick from side to side.]

Hymie: Hallo Martin.

Martin Luther: Where's the john?

Hymie: We don't have one.

Martin Luther: No john? What d'you do? 

Hymie: We eat fat.

Martin Luther: And that stops you going to the john?

Hymie: It's a theory.

Martin Luther: Yeah, but does it work?

Hymie: We ain't got no john.

Martin Luther: Yeah, but d'you need to go? 

Hymie: You know how it is with theories - some days it's fine...
     maybe one, two... three days... and then just when it looks
     like you're ready for to publish... [Expression of resignation
      and disgust.]... Whoosh! You need a new kitchen floor.

Martin Luther: Oh you should be so lucky!

          [A girl's laugh from inside. Martin Luther looks up -
          alert.]

Martin Luther: D'you need any cleaning inside? 

Hymie: Oh no... today it's all going fine.

Martin Luther: Oh well, how's about showing me the cutlery?

Hymie: Martin - I got a woman and children in there.

Martin Luther: So there's no problem... I just look at a few 
     spoons... and...

          [Martin Luther starts to go in. Hymie stops him.]

Hymie: I got two girls in there, Martin... you know what I mean.

Martin Luther: Honest! I don't look at your girls! I don't even 
     think about them! There! I put them out of my mind! Their
     arms, their necks... their little legs... and bosoms... I
     *wipe* from my mind.

Hymie: You just want to see spoons?

Martin Luther: My life! That's what I want to see. 

Hymie: I know I'm going to regret this.

Martin Luther: No, listen! Cutlery is really my thing now. Girls
     with round breasts is over for me.

Hymie: What am I doing? I know what's going to happen. 

Martin Luther: I'll crouch behind you.

          [He goes in. Martin Luther follows, crouching.]

Hymie: Mamie! Guess who's come to see us!

Mamie: Hymie! Are you out of your mind already? You know how old 
     your daughters are?

Hymie: He only wants to see the spoons.

Mamie: What you have to bring him into my house for?

Hymie: Mamie, he doesn't even think about girls any more.

Martin Luther: Mrs Meyer - as far as girls is concerned, I shot my 
     wad!

Mamie: You shot your *wad*?

Martin Luther: Def - in - ately...

          [Pause.]

Mamie: Which spoons you wanna view?

Martin Luther: Eh... [shrugs]... I guess the soup spoons... 

Mamie: [suddenly interested] Ah! Now they're good spoons.

Martin Luther: You got them arranged?

Mamie: No, but I could arrange them for you.

Martin Luther: Don't put yourself to no bother, Mrs Meyer. 

Mamie: It's no bother... I want for you to see those spoons like I
     would want to see them myself.

Martin Luther: Oh you're too kind, Mrs Meyer... You could get your
     daughters to show me them... 

Mamie: Hymie get him out of here.

Hymie: Mamie, he only said for Myrtle and Audrey to show him the
     *spoons*.

Mamie: Like you think I run some kind of bordello here...

Martin Luther: Mrs Meyer! How can you say such a thing? 

Mamie: Listen Martin Luther! I know what you want to do with my
     girls!

Martin Luther: Show me the spoons...

Mamie: You want for them to pull up their shirts and then lean over
     the chair with their legs apart... 

Hymie: Mamie don't get excited...

Mamie: I'm getting excited? It's him that's getting excited!

Martin Luther: My mind is on the spoons.

Mamie: But you can't stop thinking of those little girls over the 
     chairs.

          [Luther is struggling with himself.]

Hymie: I got to go to the bathroom.

Mamie: [grabs him] Hymie! I'm a married woman!

Hymie: So... just show him the spoons.
 
          [Hymie goes.]

Mamie: And you don't want to put nothing up me?

Martin Luther: Mrs Meyer - you read my mind.

Mamie: Oh...

          [They go out discreetly.]

But despite the efforts of Protestants to promote the idea of sex 
for pleasure, children continued to multiply everywhere.

Potty Mouth.

This, if I haven't said it before, is the greatest country in the history of the world.  A land free of oppression where we, its citizens, are free to express ourselves in most any way we please.  Namely, we are allowed to shout expletives at toilets.  Period.

• Americans can swear at toilets, judge rules | The Register

Making Brain Waves.

Sega (you remember Sega) is experimenting with new brain controlled video games.  Suck on that Nintendo.  You come out with motion controlled games, and we'll do you one better.  They're apparently pretty base right now; no virtual reality simulations or anything.  But sensors monitor your brain activity giving the sensation of an "extra limb."  That's not gonna make a game in itself, but think of all those games that simulate concentration or effort with repetitive button pressing.  (tap X to sprint, resist torture, hang from a wire, etc)  They could all be replaced by an actual mental exertion.  Or games where you play a character with super/special powers could be activated mentally while you control the avatar with the traditional movement inputs.

I'm not saying this is it, but things like this make me wonder what technology I don't be able to fully adapt to.  Things that the youths of tomorrow will take as second nature, but us old fogeys who wad dials on our video games growing up find difficult.  If they get down 3 or 4 mental dimensions, I might be out.  Or it might be easy as pie, I dunno.

• Sega and NeuroSky To Make Mind-Controlled Toys | Gadget Lab from Wired.com

Don't Cry Wolf.

I'm usually a little stand-offish on invasive monitoring, but this is pretty cool.  Emergency services arrived at a BMW crash test facility searching for victims of a serious impact.  Apparently one of the techs forgot to turn off the monitoring device that sends GPS coordinates to rescue personnel in the event of a serious crash.  And being in a crash facility, that's exactly what they did to it.  They explained the situation and I imagine had a good chuckle.  Of course this may be a problem if false positives are submitted with any regularity.  You're really not sposed to call 911 unless its an emergency.  Imagine a pizza delivery guy showing up at your door because your computer mistakenly heard a tummy rumbling on TV.  It'd be funny the first time, but that dude would be pissed off quick if it kept happening.

• Cologne firemen make haste in rescuing crash test dummies - Engadget

DP: Energy Edition.

Ok, I've got four links for you here.

The first is about connecting wind farms.  To help alleviate wind power's intermittent nature, scientists are suggesting we build a network of wind collection devices.  We could permanently feed about a third of the grid from these dispersed collection points, and store extra power for use in transport.

• Treehugger: Connecting the world's wind farms

Second is a billboard with solar cells on top of them.  So rather than just draining the grid at night to illuminate a hotpockets sign, the board actually generates more power than it consumes, a net gain for the grid.  (even if it does end up being a trickle back into the grid, it is valuable in not consuming the power to begin with.)  It would be cool to see every billboard powered this way. So instead of embodying the evil corporate pillaging of America like in "Who framed Roger Rabbit?", they'd be a symbol of our progression into the future of energy.  Adapting and improving our lives.

• Treeugger: its not a billboard; its a powerplant

And speaking of improving life, Google has finished the first stage of the solar installation at their mountain View Facility.  Its currently the largest corporate solar device and contributes a third of the facility's electricity.  Nice.

• Treehugger: more solar googleables to come

Lastly, we move on to a Slate article about electric cars, wondering if they're actually cleaner than gasoline when you account for electricity production.  Short answer: Yes, but the margins might come closer when you factor in battery disposal.  They mentioned in passing one of the most appealing parts about electric cars.  If electricty produciton gets greener, so to the cars.  Immediately.  "It's a lot easier to control emissions at a few power plants than at millions of tailpipes".

• Slate: Electric Vehicle acid test

Of course this upstream energy efficiency goal makes me wary of things like we have in the first three articles.  I do think we should be moving to electricity because we have so many ways for generating it, we have the infrastructure to deliver it, and we have a jump start on creating efficient devices to consume it.  But installing distributed systems and decentralizing energy production, while perhaps necessary and beneficial for renewable sources, makes upstream efficiency very difficult to effect.  Or at least more difficult than upgrading a few large power plants.

Think of it in terms of communications.  We shelled out a ton of money to run paired copper wires to basically every building in America.  Then cable; now fiber.  But it turns out that wireless technologies are providing the same capacities without all that expensive infrastructure.  And they're easy to maintain and upgrade, should the need arise.  So I guess its a case of moderation and balance in adoption.  Don't fill every inch of roof with solar panels immediately, because next year's models will harvest twice the energy at half the cost.  And though a nation-wide wind farm network might mean balanced loads, we can't build one over night.  The real trick is to keep the fear of indecision from paralyzing us into using fossil fuels for another 100 years.

There's a link in the slate article to a cool power source calculator that show what type of energy your area uses.  Check it out.  I bet you'd like to see that "non-hydro renewable" category a little higher.

Don't Hold Your Breath.

Scientists have noticed that Emperor penguins stay underwater for a long time.  Their investigations showed the animals' blood-oxygen levels were basically of the bottom of the chart upon return to the surface and speculations are on a Hulking super hemoglobin.  They say the penguin blood (aside from being delicious) bonds more efficiently at lower concentrations, so a higher percent of the oxygen is consumed.

I hypothesize that this is just the adolescent penguin form of huffing.  You swim down to about 1,800 feet and when you drag yourself out of the water the swirling colors and warm breezes just make life worth living.  Even if it is a frozen bastage of an existence on a shrinking ice shelf with rising flood waters.

All joking aside, genetic crossbreeding gives me the heeby jeebies.  I'll not be vacationing with Dr Moreau any time soon.  But I want this super hemoglobin.  I wouldn't get out of breath all the time and I'd only have to exhale once every 20 minutes.  Talk about a time saver!

• Penguins Safely Lower Oxygen to "Blackout" Levels

More Exclusiver.

Apple Store?  Pfff, that's so 2001.  And Apple has long since abandoned its product line of one mp3 player and one or two computers in favor of shelves filled more confusing options than a jello bowl full of dead goldfish.  Well, I've got good news.  Simple and exclusive is back in a big way, as the first Tesla store is under construction on Santa Monica Blvd.  They've got their ONE product large as life on the construction curtain.  I'm pretty sure driving by a giant roadster would get me juiced up to blow that 100 grand I still don't have.

• It's not all bad news at Tesla, LA store construction starts - AutoblogGreen

Wordsmith Samantha.

Design Patterns, you'll avoid

Good day. Are you doing good? Email me at [email redacted] only. I am girlie. Mind me sending some of my pictures to you?
videos or older children  decision on the  free play -- whether  out my final

What The HELL is this sposed to be?  Samantha, you're an embarrassment to the spamming community.  The last email Sam sent me was so eloquent and full of promise that I could have sworn that this type of pandering was gone for ever.  So just let me walk you through the wrong turns you made here.  Just personal edification here, you don't need to try and contact me about compensation.

First off, you sent the email as Abigail Huggins with a slightly skeezy domain.  (Side note, "Huggins" is perhaps not as dirty as you though it was; really comes off as slightly amusing.  And if you weren't going for a joke name, I apologize.)  Secondly, you want me to reply only to a second and decidedly more skeezy .info email address.  Thirdly, this email isn't even to me.  Its to some dude with the same first four letters in his email address.  Now, I'm not quite sure how you pulled this off (since the mail men on the Internet hardly ever confuse house numbers) but it makes me think I should be forwarding things to their intended recipients instead of reading them.

Ok, now you've got a few solid sentences.  2 words, 4 words (I'll let the good for well difference slide, because I assume you're being cordial by inquiring about my well-being not my charitable acts.), 5 WORDS!  Wow, that's impressive.  And you do make a persuasive argument with that "I am girlie" tact.  But then you lost me at the sending pictures part.  See that would require more emails, a task which you've already proved you're not up to.  And almost as if you self-destructed on opening night of a middle-school musical, it went spiraling out of control.  "Videos or older children"?  That's jibberish but gives me the jibblies regardless.  "Decision on the free play"?  "Whether out my final"?  I half expected you to "set us up the bomb", or claim you'd recently usurped all my base.  You either need to repeat -4th grade or become a mid-80's foreign video game translator.  In either case, stop sending me this turd-riddled handicrap.  Now put Sam back on the phone.

Sam, you need to keep your sister off the computer.  She just isn't ready for public nuisance yet.  Maybe a few more years at "finishing school" be enough, but I have a feeling Momma and Pappa Spamsalot are gonna have to shell out and send her back to "starting school" first.  Not.  Fully.  Baked.

Fashionable Shackles.

Holy crap!  Is this why women can't drive?  Wait, let me rephrase that.  Is this why there's a stereotype that women are sub-par drivers?  I mean, come on.  You know about it.  Its a pretty standard chauvinistic claim.

Lets first acknowledge that that there are many competent female drivers.  But is part of the reason women get lumped together because of their shoes?  Its common knowledge that almost all women wear stupid shoes.  And when I think, it makes perfect sense and I can't believe I never saw the correlation before.

Look at all the clogs and heels and boots and other very nice but totally impractical foot wear that's tottering around you.  If my heel were 2 inches farther away from the pedals I bet I'd have a harder time with the fine control of a car too.  And in fact, I drove my car wearing my dress shoes for the first time recently and the leather soles were slippery as a mofo on that clutch pedal.

What do you think?  Is this a contributing factor?  No traction, compromising angle, uncomfortable...  Hell, I wouldn't drive a mile in those things, let alone walk.

• High Heel Safety? Take a Bike (TreeHugger)

Fangs!

Ok, let me 'splain you a joke that's been going around my basement for a couple of weeks now. So Natural Light is this pretty cheap beer that we became accustomed to in college for a variety of reasons. (mostly it doesn't taste like hangover and urine to me like bud does. ya bud!) Anyway, the can used to have a design like this:

And eventually they rethought the old classic into something like this:

Oh, yeah that's modern. Sleek and refined and for some reason there are two blue palm fronds behind the busch logo. Stealth bombers? Boomarangs? Its a mystery. Then a while ago they came up with this more moderner packaging on the right:

ROOAAAWRRR! FANGS! Slicker, sleeker and more dangerous! Clearly beer with fangs.
And in case you had any doubt about their fangliness, you need only look as far as a Strong Bad Email for edification.

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail153.html

For those of you unwilling to click the links I give you, Strong Bad as redesigning the "No Loafing" sign to be more "fast and slick and shiny like Flo Jo in a tuxedo" Then at the end he slaps on some fangs with no explanation; because adding fangs makes things awesome and requires no explanation.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure this is what happened with the Natty Lite design. A bunch of guys were sitting around a board room or a design studio or a stripper pole, where ever these kinds of things get decided. They were making the brand faster and sleeker and then at the end someone slapped on some fangs cause, well obviously things are cooler with fangs, and beer is no exception.

Stop The Presses!

This just in: Giant pandas not excruciatingly boring when kept in their natural climate.  The pandas at the national zoo played and wrestled in the snow yesterday morning, astonishing all visitors who expected the large imported wastes-of-money to be as motionless and unexciting as dead goldfish in jello.

• Giant Pandas Play In Snow At National Zoo - News Story - WRC | Washington

You Know Which County Is THE County, right?

St. Mary's MD, represent!  The sweetest, freest and most luxuriating county in the state is home to a great new holiday giveaway.  The first person to kill themselves in a drunk driving accident this season gets a free coffin.  Booyah.  Free coffin, no catch!  Awesome!

• News: Plan on Dying From DUI This Holiday? Win a Free Coffin!

Fill 'Er Up, Please.

When I was in Dublin I noted the 12 foot high stone walls that surround nearly every in of the Guinness brewery.  I mentioned, jokingly, that it was to keep all the Irishmen out.  Of course it, like most good jokes, was only funny because it was mostly true.  I mean, come on.  I they had a waist high wall there would be so many people in that place you'd think it was Woodstock.

Well the fatal flaw in any wall is that it has a gate.  I spose technically you could build a wall with no gates, but that's a rare sight indeed.  The gates being the weak point, you generally have sentries or archers or tubs of Greek fire to help make up for it.  Not so at the Guinness brewery.  Some crafty Irishman stopped trying to climb the walls long enough to figure out he could go around.  All told, he made off with 180 kegs of Guinness, 180 kegs of bud and 90 kegs of Carlsberg.  That's what was in the trailer he hooked his truck to and scooted right out the front door.

The gardi found the empty truck some distance away.  I'm just taking a guess here, but that guy must have brought along 2, maybe 3 of his mates to polish off that much booze so quickly.

• RTÉ News: 450 kegs stolen from Guinness Brewery

A Long Time Coming.

Whew, that took long enough.  I can't even remember when I first thought that Google would throw a dash of AIM integration in with Gmail, but its finally happened.  Unfortunately, I've convinced all my friends to use gmail and gchat in the meantime.  So all the cryptic screen names hanging out in my buddy list don't really mean much to me any more.  I wonder if I should strike up conversations with them, but that might be super weird.

I've got a DP bumpersticker for an enterprising young go-getter who's willing to search through the archives and find when I first predicted the instant message revolution.

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Happy Repeal Day everyone!www.repealday.

Happy Repeal Day everyone!www.repealday.org