Death-Pod.

Yup, you're right. I didn't think motorcycles were dangerous enough. But maybe now you're onto something...

All Your Ads Are Belong To Us.

NBC is investigating the possibility of creating content specifically centered around sponsored products. Done properly, this could be very effective. Product placement is something I can get behind if its either very subtle, or moderately overt. Like the article says, BMWfilms is a perfect example of content oriented around advertising while maintaining a proper balance to entertainment value and quality. So lets hope that NBC can get something right; honestly I've got more faith in them than any of the other networks. I really like what they've done on 30 Rock with product placement, talking about how sleezy it is to shill right in the middle of a show and then taking a nice big swig of Snapple for the camera. Or in the office when Kevin peddled Staples shredders by making a salad in one. Good stuff. There's something valuable in acknowledging that there is product placement happening, not trying to sneak it past my subconscious to make me go buy shoes or soda or cars like a brainwashed zombie.

And honestly, I think they could ride the overt placement wagon a little farther. Get some folks together to reshoot old sitcoms, but make everyone hold a Snapple while they do it. Just imagine Kramer chasing his car down the street carrying a Risk set and a Snapple. Jerry's stand-up audiences would all be Snappled-up. And George's wild arm waving would unleash a fountain of 'Mango Madness'. Or imagine that one Friends episode where someone has a baby... while holding a Snapple. Doctors, nurses, Phobie's brother... all carrying Snapples every moment they're on screen. (I gotta get off the Snapple, this could really be any bottled beverage. Except Pepsi. That would suck.) Kinda like beer-in-hand Ultimate, everything's happening normally, but put a bottle in everyone's hand and it immediately becomes more entertaining. (Otherwise the episodes would be pretty much the same, if a character is sposed to drink a coffee, he still drinks the coffee while holding his Snapple in the other hand.) I bet people would tune in to see something like that; the difficulty actors have trying to replicate previous performances obviously handicapped by corporate sponsorship. I mean they watch reality TV and that's... just awful.

• Techdirt: Content Is Advertising... On TV

Oh Billy!

Brace yourself to be overwhelmed by a flood of communications. (Actually just me cause you losers don't have Helios. I'm just bragging.) When I first got my Ocean it had POP email access to my gmail account. Then Google added in IMAP support so that my inbox online was synced with the inbox in my pocket. Pretty sweet, but it wasn't push. That is, I had to check for new mail by hand. Like a barbarian. Well those days are spent cause Helio just rolled out push email to all its devices. I'm not really sure how that works (isn't it gmail that pushes to Helio?) but I'm not gonna start rocking the boat. My gmails and jmails show up on the alerts menu like SMSes, missed calls and voicemails. Of course anyone who reads this will be all over those "oh, I haven't checked my email" excuses like rasberry jam on a hot, buttered english muffin. Crannies, nooks, whatever. So bring on the information glut in full 3G fashion. I hope I don't drown.

• Heliocity: Gmail gets Push

Oh, and check out this video about SMSing. Its got an amusing main character who you might recognize from the pictures above.
Heliocity: texting your way to love

Super Fired.

If you're ever lucky enough to become a stunt driver, people would probably assume you've got some special training. Much to the dismay of Bond producers, this man's training was apparently lacking in one key area. No, not driving backwards down stairs made of ice. Not driving with outrunners down a ski slope and through a ski chalet. Not even driving a moon-rover through brick walls. He apparently slept through the chapter on delivering a car safely to the set, and not losing control, crashing through a guardrail and sinking a one of a kind Aston Martin in 150 feet of Italian lake. Luckily he did show up the day they went over underwater escapes.

This dude was almost surely superfired. Which is a new term I've just created for when people are so negligently incompetent with hilarious results that they can't just be normal fired. Just imagine the yelling, shouting and literal ass-whooping that went down when he slounched, bruised and waterlogged, into the production trailer. 'We're glad you're not dead and all, but you're superfired.'

• Offbeat News: The Wreckage Of The HMS Aston Martin DBS
• News: James Bond's Aston Martin DBS Swan Dives Into Italian Lake

Let The Kickbacks Fly.

I know I've never submitted to advertising. Its that kind of journalistic integrity that keeps you coming back for more time and time again. But lets face it, with fame and publicity comes a certain amount of temptation. So while I'm not diving into the whole adwords shake-your-money-maker deal, you can feel free to label this post a sell out if you wish.

Encyclopedia britannica, the pay-for-subscription online encyclopedia (I think they used to make something called "books" too), has started a program wherein they're giving away free year-long memberships to publishers in an effort to promote what an excellent resource it is. That's right, I'm a publisher, big whoop, wanna fight about it? So I imagine from time to time I'll put in a widget and a link to this new dealy. They've got it worked out so that losers like you without annual subscriptions can click through to the whole article, but you can't browse like the champs. Maybe it'll be enough to whet your whistle; at least that's what Britannica's hoping. Honestly, its a good strategy and I hope it works out for them. I'm certainly willing to do my part.

• Encyclopaedia Britannica

They do actually go check out whatever source you claim to publish, so don't go thinking that sad little blog you started 2 years ago and ended up pasting 4 Calvin and Hobbes cartoons into before quitting will qualify. I'm not even gonna link to the program, so if you wanna get down, you've got your work cut out for you.

Full disclosure: I've been given a year-long membership to Encyclopedia Britanica Online, worth about $70. Chump.

What The Hell?

So I had a dream last night that I was at a Republican Party debate. I was in the back, not really paying attention and Mitt Romney came over and asked why I was so despondent. I didn't really give him much of an answer ('meh') or even look up. So he asked if he could count on my vote. I told him that wasn't gonna happen and outlined the various ways he and the Republican party would continue to disappoint me. He picked up a mic and started addressing my concerns to the audience, but in the course of the reply he began to talk about the "fucking media". I stood up and asked "Did you just drop an eff bomb?" Then a team of paramedics pretended I had a heart attack and escorted me out of the room.

Very odd. Who dreams about Politicians?

Bump Doubts Debunked.

Oh man, we're gonna need a broom to get Stephen down from on top of the fridge like a cat on amphetamines because this news is gonna send him spinning and grinning. This article summarizes a study run on the effects of the "Colbert Bump" on political candidates who appeared on The Report contrasted with those who did not.

Of course he might take issue at the results showing appearances by Republicans to have slight negative repercussions. But Fowler has a theory: Republicans must be very confident to appear (nowhere to go but down) while Democrats generally have nothing to lose (already getting pounded) when they appear. Makes pretty good sense I suppose, but no one's like -verified- any of these conjectures. Nevertheless, it doesn't cut the main focus that the political "bump" does in fact exist; so Stephen's ego isn't the only thing getting a rise from the show.

• Scientist Finds Truthiness in the 'Colbert Bump' | LiveScience

Seriously.

Just in case you have a Wii and are bored with the weak offering of game thus far, I thought I should let you know. Coming in June, sometypa adventure-type deal with "Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People". I hope it doesn't suck like those Simpsons games (not that I've ever played them) and is more like a continuation of the toons. Irregardless; everyone should buy a copy, whether you own a Wii or not.

• Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
• Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People Advertisement - Homestar Runner Wiki
  

Take Me Out OF The Ballgame.

Good freaking god. I can't imagine being subjected to this. 22 innings of baseball should be on the list next to water boarding as "things we definitely can't do to our own citizens, but maybe could to a foreigner who may know something important". I'm getting the shakes just thinking about watching a 6 hour baseball game with one run scored. I seriously do "care if I ever get back" and it'd better be 3 hours, tops.

• 22 Innings - Featured on BuzzFeed

You Let This Happen.

You know how some words are really very strange, but you're used to seeing or using them anyway? And sometimes you look at it a certain way or repeat it to yourself a few times and the extreme oddity of the term leaps to mind. Try "garage". Just say it quietly to yourself a few times. Weird, huh?

Next: How the hell did I become accustomed to LL Cool J? I mean, I know he's been around for a while and he's very successful and likable. That does not, however, explain how normal that name sounds in contrast to how completely unreasonable it really is. Ladies Love Cool James? What was everyone so busy with that we let such a re-goddamn-diculous pseudonym past? No offense, Mr Ladies Love, its just that I read it with the right mindset to be completely hilarious.

• LL Cool J - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I Don't Even Really Work Here.

'Its almost as if you have no business training at all.'
'Well, I'm just trying to get ahead.'
'I'm sorry, there's just no way we can keep you on.'

A British tourist apparently talked his way onto the set of Iron Man and vanished into a crowd of waiting extras. Carl Kelly was later called in with others to film a scene with Gwyneth Paltrow and managed to muck up at least 38 takes. Never-the-less he hung in there like a trooper and completed shooting even though he missed his plane because of it. In his words "I
couldn’t do a runner as they would have to start from the beginning." Now that's what I call responsible hooliganing. Is there anywhere a British accent won't get you?

• Tourist steals scene in Iron Man opposite Gwyneth Paltrow - Times Online

When I Was A Whipper-Snapper.

Back when I went to summer camp we once played a game. I liked it intensely. I believe it was called "predator" or something along those lines. Here's the jist of it:

Everyone at the camp was issued colored index cards which dictated their role-type. There was a string to wear the card around your neck to conspicuously display it. Your card also had a type of animal printed on it, but these were purely academic. You either got green cards which designated you as a bottom level (deer, opossum, mouse, woodchuck), blue indicating mid-level (fox, hawk, dingo, etc), or red as a top predator (bear, lion, shark?). The interesting bit is that greens got 7 cards, blue 5, and red only 3 cards. We were instructed to find food and water (also cards) and basically survive the time limit. (maybe the game was called survival)

Also introduced into the game were 4 counselors (gigantic 17 year olds who could run like wolves and were tall as redwood) with black cards. They were famine, disease, drought and the hunter and would kill anything they caught, no matter the color. (Well, famine and drought would take your food and water cards, but if you didn't have any you were dead) So it went, if someone of a higher order touched you, a card was surrendered until you had no more. Once you were dead-dead you went up to the dining hall for lemonade or something.

And we were released, 200 of us, into the lower camp with an artificial class system to wage the war of nature. This is where the really interesting stuff went down. People began to form groups; greens would naturally flock together. Blues moderately so, and reds would prowl like demons. Until of course disease came sweeping through; I swear you've never seen so many 8-14 year olds scrambling through the underbrush so quickly. Like buckshot through a dried bouquet.

Those of us that cared, survived. And we were good. As the rounds went by more creativity developed. Reds began walking around in larger groups to try and fool the quicker blues and flightiest of greens. Waiting predators would poach at edges of clearings where the water cards lay. The greens would warily creep and the red's tails would flick in anticipation. But the greens stopped; for seemingly no reason. A branch snapped as the hunter came crashing towards those reds, they flee and he pursues, the greens make a gambit for the water. We spent the entire day like that. Clamoring for more every time the whistle blew. Elbows were scraped, pants ripped, ankles rolled and heads bruised. This did not stop the game. It was life and we were animals.

I liked it intensely.

Let Me Get My Pundit Piñata Bat.

Yeah, I heard about the Obama "gaffe". And I know I'm not from western Pennsylvania, but I don't care. Sure generalizations can be unfair, but everyone generalizes and you can't pretend to be shocked when it happens. Especially when these clowns are running for office. You're nothing but a segment of a demographic that is either all wrapped up, or still in progress. I like to play "who are they appealing to now?" where you try to guess what contingent a particular statement is crafted to speak to. Because you can't satisfy everyone, you just walk the middle like of all these conflicting viewpoints and hope that enough of them find you less unappealing than the next guy. Or girl.

Well, shit, maybe I'm part of the elitist contingent, cause I think folks calling him out for being "elitist" are effing morons. Of course he's elitist; they're all elitist. Sure, maybe they appeal to the working class or talk about their simple roots; but they're competing for the most powerful executive position in the world. Maybe they should think they're better than someone else. Maybe they should be better than someone else. John Stuart agrees with me; lets go ahead and pick an elitist . We tried going the other way before. It didn't work out so great.

Once Bitten...

Now, you might have a problem when you get drunk in a bar and assault people with "Bear Spray". But if you're rubber enough to have somehow made it home that night and not into a holding cell, you should probably count your blessings. And even if you do decide to go back to the bar the next night, definitely don't bring that Bear Spray with you. Its only gonna revisit the legal whoopin' you so stealthily navigated through the first time.

Now, I've never heard of Bear Spray, but I imagine it is unpleasant. That being said, I find something unspeakably funny about a dude attacking people two nights in a row with the stuff. I mean, after the first time, you gotta think the chances of it ever happening again are pretty low. But no, in he walks the next damn night with (what I imagine is) a comically large can of pepper spray. Come ON!

• Man Uses Bear Spray in Bar, Jailed : Environmental News Blog | Environmental Graffiti

Bust Them Down To The Minors.

I can't wait for the congressional oversight committee to crack some heads on this one. Really make those nerds cry. I mean, who do they think they are? Trying to get a leg up on all those other scientists; they've taken it to far and cast a pall on the entire game. Now who are the kids supposed to emulate? Some cranked up hulking Frankenstein of a brain? I mean, we can't have our children running around on Ritalin just to raise their testing averages a few points!

• 20 Percent of Scientists Admit Using Brain-Enhancing Drugs -- Do You? | Wired Science from Wired.com

You Can't, Like, OWN Cricket, Man.

Congratulations to the sporting press in India, who have more balls than its American counterpart dreams of in its most envious fantasy. The Cricket League started proposing restrictions on reporting and they immediately told it to sod off, threatening a boycott. 'Whoa, you're gonna stop treating our child's game like actualy news? Ok, we'll be have...' This in very stark contrast to the American media who seem to turn around, bend over and scream "thank you sir, may I have another" when MLB tells them how when and for what duration they can report simple facts at, or near, a baseball game. Which is extra mind boggling, because I'd think MLB would be struggling to get as much face time with readers as possible. That shite is boring.

• Techdirt: Press Boycotts Indian Cricket Matches Over Restrictions On Digital Media

How To Drive Away Business.

I'm pretty sure I'll never pay $30 for a font. Seems to me my computer comes with plenty and if I really need to diversify I bet I could find some sites where amateurs post their dabblings. So this story makes me even more recalcitrant. A guy pays $30 for a font, and shares it with his printer. The printer leaks it onto a file sharing network, but the file is watermarked with the guy's info. So the font company sends him a bill for $1000 to cover the cost of 32 downloads off the network. Ouch, you guys just convinced me never to pay for a font. Ever; lest I be liable for your inability to market, sell, and control your own product.

• Techdirt: Font Company Can't Come Up With Good Business Model; Punishes Customers

Nope, I Don't Like It.

The NY Times has an article about people relating with their googlegängers, people with identical names they can find on Google. Basically the short of it is that people have an affinity for the letters in their own name and are unconsciously drawn to things that remind them of themselves.

I'm not trying to deny that I like things that are spelled with the letters in my name, but when I run across someone with my exact first and last name, I don't experience whatever "bond" these other folks are going through. Its kind of a chill in my spine and vomiting butterflies in my stomach. I don't want to meet them, I don't want to email them, I don't want them to even be out there. You motherfuckers stole my name and I'll never forgive you for it. Or perhaps its a kind of uncanny valley, I don't mind an approximation, but get too close and I'm repulsed.

Additionally, I don't want any psychologists writing in about what that might mean and interpreting my night terrors; you guys are on notice for calling what you do science in the first place.

• Names That Match Forge a Bond on the Internet - New York Times

How Do You Launch a 41 ft Catameran?

Personally, I'd probably use my helicopter and just snatch it out of the cradle in the boatyard like I was playing SimCopter. Swing that badboy over a lake and let 'er fly.
Oh, that's how they really launched Alinghi's training cat on Lake Geneva? Well, good, I'm glad that's normal for you spoiled motherfrakers.

• Valencia Sailing: Alinghi's 41ft catamaran 'Le Black' is relaunched on Lake Geneva

I'ma Be A CEO, Suckas.

Dear Sir/madam,

I am looking for an expert abroad that will help in purchasing AIRCRAFTS and also run the airline company for me.

I am contacting you because I do not have any idea in running an airline company and this is my first airline company. If you are an expert in this field or know any expert that is interested I will be very grateful to hear from you sooner.

Regards,
Alhaji Kabo Dan Hafiz

I mean, no, I don't have any experience in purchasing AIRCRAFTS or in running airlines. But how hard can it be? I've already passed whatever rigorous screening process Al has in his junior executive no-need-to-apply camp, so I obviously have what it takes. I mean the fact that he chose me out of the millions, nay, billions of other random email addresses speaks volumes about me. I'm gonna run out and buy a 747 before I get back to him, just so he can see how much initiative and spunk I have.

Doing My Part.

In an effort to force some type of sunshine law on myself I signed up for Mint a few months ago.  Its a money tracking site that keeps tabs and categorizes your purchases for you.  And I guess it has the desired effect; you can look up just how much you're spending in a given time frame.  But its also a little disturbing, I mean just look at how many different colors there are under my "amusement" category.  (Amusement is a little euphemism I have cause there isn't a more apropo heading built-in.  Lets just say that I'm not heading out to theme parks three times a week.)  Anyway, this is just one of the many graphs that show my credit cards have been sizzling hot enough to melt through my wallet lately.  I'm really looking forward to being done with the business trips and the moving and the dentist bills and the other odds and ends I've had stacking up lately.  Yep, its just about time to settle in on the couch and watch some movies till May.  Except that Amazon hasn't shipped my new stereo yet... (out of stock my eye)  Whoops, that card may have just burst into flames.  Where's that free $600, George?

I Can Do Anything Better Than You.

The Onion has one of those "man on the street" interviews about the passing of Charlton Heston. While the responses are okay I can't help but feel they missed out on the bread and butter quip:

"Well, at least now we can get that gun away from him!"

• Charlton Heston Dies | The Onion - America's Finest News Source


• Wikipedia: From My Cold, Dead Hands
  

ABSOLUT World Domination.

Wow, Absolut has strayed from their venerable "stuff shaped like a bottle" ad campaign into strange waters. This ad in Mexico "hearkens to a time which the population of Mexico may feel was more ideal" to quote the apologetic press release to United Statesians after they caught a glimpse of the vaguely subversive poster. I'm not really sure if this would make me want to drink vodka if I were Mexican, but it doesn't as an American. Not that I'm angry about the suggestion that we took a crapload of land from our neighbors, I just think its ineffective. Its more like a "don't you wish we didn't lose that war?" ad campaign. Which I think would elicit a reaction of "Well, yeah, thanks for rubbing lemon on that gash. Ass."

I took the Liberty of mocking one up below for distribution in the US. No need to thank me by sending a case of product to my house, cash will work just fine. I'd hate to see the version they released in Germany.

• 264 - An Absolut Mexico « Strange Maps

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Glorified T-Shirt Store.

What the hell is wrong with this place? I know I have a problem with most places that sell clothing for dogs, but this is just too ridiculous. American Apparel plays hipster music, charges $25 for cheap t-shirts and somehow people go there. I wouldn't have a problem with their prices, except the stuff doesn't seem very well made to me. Seriously, I saw some stuff there that you could have made from left-over picnic napkins. And besides everything being made from t-shirts, some of the stuff was unfathomably hideous. Check out this purple polka-dot hoodie I found in what I think was the men's section.

I know there's something to purchasing sustainable goods, but you know what's more sustainable than buying new expensive cheap shtuff? Using stuff that's already been made, even if it wasn't originally manufactured "sustainably". Also we went to cake love; I didn't get anything there either.

Broadening Horizons.

Fried chicken with waffles, who knew so much joy could come from a breakfast. Honestly though, this may have been the best fried chicken ever served and the fact that it came riding on a bed of waffles only betters the experience. Say what you will but you just won't know until you've tried it.

The New Diggs.

While I'm not really in a position to say whether it was worth the money or not, the nationals new home is very nice indeed. And with the concession stands every two feet, they might make a run at pulling some of that cash back. Of course none of it will go to the tax payers who were gouged... But that's not the point. There's something about a new stadium, the virgin amenities, that just comfort and welcome a patron. Much like that new car smell; except its new stadium smell. Of course that didn't keep my fellow patrons from throwing their wrappers, peanut shells and beer cups all over the ground. Fucking animals. That why we can't have nice things...

Rocking the DC Public Works GIS.

Color me impressed. I've seen pedestrian signs or streetlights out and thought to my self "aren't we living in a time when citizens could be leveraged to submit and track things like this with the appropriate departments? I bet they just have a guy driving around in a truck looking for burned out bulbs." Well I just requested a bulk trash pickup without picking up the phone and with out speaking to a single person. Not only that, but the DC government provides access to all the requests submitted by citizens, so you can tell what's going on where and why its taking so long to address your concern. Much better than I was expecting guys. And your data warehouse is pretty substantial too. Good job!


View Larger Map

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• DC Data Catalog and Data Feeds

Ever Pitchpoled A 60 Foot Trimaran?

Me neither but the Alinghi crew practicing on Foncia have. Under 20 knots a bear-off dug into the waves and sent the larger-than-most multihull-racer end over end. No one was seriously hurt, although a pair were airlifted to the hospital. Whew, its exciting seeing an 18ft skiff pitchpole, but I imagine something on this scale is downright frightening.

• Valencia Sailing: Foncia capsizes off Lorient – Alinghi crew safe

Slate Article Employs Difficult Sailing Metephor.

Despite the picture accompanying this article being of Hilary struggling to survive a sinking Titanic, the sub-heading of this piece is obviously a sailing metaphor. I say "obviously" with 18 years of sailing experience under my belt, but I would imagine to most of the population it is less clear. So a cursory explanation of being "in irons" follows.

• Strong head winds put the Clinton camp back in irons. - By Christopher Beam - Slate Magazine

Many people could deduce from context that the literary device means "to stall", and that's actually very close to the mark. Sloops use two sails to propel themselves creating lift from the wind. Many times the Main (rear) sail is a larger than the jib at the bow. (Larger headsails do exist, genoas, and can change the boat's handling characteristics and balance, which vary from design to design anyway) The result of more sail area in the stern is the tendency of the boat to round up (turn into the wind) when the boat is over powered (weather-helm). Think of it as a balancing scale, the keel at the center of the boat acts as the fulcrum with the two sails acting as the weights on either side. If the stern of the boat has more force applied, it will be forced down wind, and the bow in turn is forced upwind.

Luffing the sails is part of being in irons, but you also need to remain head to wind, not generating lift for a while. This is because as long as a boat is moving through the water it retains at least some steerage. And if you can steer you should be able to ease the main and turn away from the wind, provided it is not blowing too strongly. But once the steerage is gone irons will settle upon you like a hippo on a newborn. From there your options are to try and backwind the jib or just wait until you're being blown to the leeward shore quickly enough to generate some steerage from your backwards momentum. Neither of which, I think, will work for Senator Clinton in this case.